Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

Vodka burrito was a success

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.