@DanLaMorte

Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning

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@capnwatsisname

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

@XplodingUnicorn

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

@SusanRinell

Speed-dating, but it’s just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other’s eyes

@nbadag

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

@iamopeimu

My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day

@LMHPhotog

Whenever people talk about “drug resistant super bugs”, all I can think about is how proud I am of those little guys for having the willpower to stay clean & sober in what must be an incredibly dangerous and stressful environment.

@Tbone7219

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

@itsboyschapter

My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.