Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning
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Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
Squid Pro Quo
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*