@DanLaMorte

Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning

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@AbbieEvansXO

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

@LostFelicia

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

@oakhillbargrill

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

@JB4Realz

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

@Zach_Wallen

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

@filloryqueenA

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

@Barack_and_Joe

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*