the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
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Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
sensitive skin
Hamburger Hinderer.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.