FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
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Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits