Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.