Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN