kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.