Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

like swimming in quick dry cement

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

*puts cutlery down*

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…