Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

john wicks are toilet candles