Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

dads on road-trips be like

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.