Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

I don’t know what to do