Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough