Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
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ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
(Electricians.)
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.