ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off.
Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.