Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Brampersandon_

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

@Scott_A_Gilmore

I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off.

@ibid78

Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.

@poutinesmoothie

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

@shelbyfero

“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”

@Cheeseboy22

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

@capnwatsisname

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

@Smethanie

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

@WheelTod

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.