Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy