kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
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[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
what does he know…
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call