kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
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priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.