Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

Meanwhile in Portland…

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!