Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6