Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.