Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
get you a girl who
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
2022: I can fix it
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
White Castle for the Win
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.