Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
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GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.