Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.