Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
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If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.