Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

The legends were true

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

[adds another nod to the conversation]

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”