Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Breaking news:
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon