“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
rest in peas
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
first you must answer his riddles
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
