Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.