Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything