Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Who needs an Air Fryer?

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands