Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
she has a point
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.