Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.