@MissHavisham

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

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@KentWGraham

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

@RackOfSteel

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

@orange_rhymer

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

@GetCougarized

The best things in life are free.

Like your neighbor’s wifi, their morning paper & their liquor cabinet while they’re away, for instance.

@WheelTod

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

@Crunk_Jews

Dear Autocorrect,

She’s an amazing woman not an amazon woman.

Thanks.

And now I’m never getting laid.

@earthfalcon33

PRANK: ask someone what’s on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm

@DrunkMidLife

If you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men.