Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
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Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.