Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
good work, detective
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.