Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: