Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

🙅🏻

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.