Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

even bears disappoint their mothers

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.