Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
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At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look