Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
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Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
