Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

watching gymnastics

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird