Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is no one talking about this?!

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

Only you can prevent podcasts

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.