Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
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neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Rambo Rambow
you gotta be faster
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
That’s fair
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.