Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.