Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
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Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear