Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
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It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
💯😂
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Storm Tropical Storm
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I love art.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know