Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
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My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.