Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
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[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while