Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
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When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.