Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
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So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
absolutely not
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.