Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.

Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.