Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man