Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
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Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
taking June’s advice to heart
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?