Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
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One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
How to draw a duck
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
this is what they would have looked like, though
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Mad Max Arctic Road
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
One of the best
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo