@Danny_McH2O

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

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@realbjdunne

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

@vivalacrap

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

@MindyFurano

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

@DanMentos

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

@MrsRupertPupkin

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

@daemonic3

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

@graceupongracie

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring