Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

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[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here


If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.


Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.


Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.


guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed


You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.


[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict


My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring