Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots