Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
You Might Also Like
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?