Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

My therapist after every session

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.