Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
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[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board