Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
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Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
✨☝️✨
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*