Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
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Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
How did we not see this back then?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday