Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
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(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room