Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
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How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.