Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
You Might Also Like
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.