Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
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[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both