Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

That 👊

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.