“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
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Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice