“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
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“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf