Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.