Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

I remember when things only cost an arm.

la cocaina

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish