Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.