kids play hide and seek like
You Might Also Like
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby