Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
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A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
no their not
