Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something